angry post 1 (related to Anna Karenina)

I'm angry, I'm angry. I'm annoyed. At everything I've ever been annoyed at, it seems. Waffling body image expectations in America, men, parents that don't give completely, classmates who refuse to be compassionate when you want them to ("Yeah, you're fucked, I did the work," a pretty ridiculous expectation I know, but some fuckers are exacting, "don't accept human frailty" a la the virgin goddess Tracy Lord of The Philadelphia Story, grr stupid librarian Virgos). And there's a commercial to cover "unsightly freckles." Fuck them. I'm annoyed at Marxist ideas that subordinate human individuality, dignity, and connection to community and material things. Claiming that it's impossible to connect with people/escape alienation because you are so bound up in the capitalist time schedule. I would still have plenty of problems if I were united with the means of production. It could just be me and my tomatoes. Excessively communal life (i.e. the medieval village) limits individuals ridiculously, often women in particular. You have a role in your society (like a cog in a machine, eh?) and damned if you can move up out of it. Travel, personal crises, the stuff of actors and brigands who hang out in the forest. God, I prize social mobility and the recognition that I'm an individual, one person and not another. The human might be a social animal, but as Drew says, his "feelings are secret." No way mental activity can be communal, even if you're a behaviorist. With your will, individual personality, and attempts to connect with other people, you escape the capitalist framework that can't completely govern your free mind and thoughts. That would be stretching it, huh? I'm annoyed at dead prez and their ideas of black power, especially the song They Schools that claims teaching dead white men/European history in public education just brainwashes black people and doesn't teach them what they need to know "like getting crack out the ghetto." Go, my son, and get crack out the ghetto. How do they propose to learn that? They forget how complex black identity is. Black means not only African, but American, and dead prez is entangled in European culture just as America is. The history they are living is also the legacy of European history. Would it kill them to understand it? The questions dead prez brings up are so fucking complex. What is pertinent to black people? What divides "their" history from "mine?" There are some books by Henry Louis Gates, Jr. I need to read to look more into this. Among other things. A girl told me I need to read Bell Hooks. I know shit about race studies right now, a thing that needs to be remedied. I need a more adequate defense of European history, of course, too.

Weird, I'm kind of in the middle, I'm not cool with previous attitudes, yet current academic ideas make me itch to no end. I'm annoyed at notions of gender fluidity and "heteronormativity" /homophobia at the same time. Words like performativity (performing identities) and social construction piss me off, maybe because of the fluidity of categories. When academics juggle these terms or employ feminist or whatever criticism, to me it's looking at what you perceive as real and concrete from so many lenses, deconstructing it until it melts away. Doesn't mean this shouldn't be done, but it has to be and is for the purpose of finding the truth as much as the Zen monk/Derrida laughs or plays with language. Seems like these academics and students are angrily fighting with structure, social and otherwise, I don't know what will come of it. Maybe it's useless. They forget that in flying over your house in an airplane and standing in front of your door, the point is ultimately to learn more about the house. I know a pitiful amount about this, but I'm still scared and annoyed. I hear that microwaves don't simply heat your food, but change it on a molecular level, they jiggle the molecules. I feel like that every time I hear these words thrown around. Like I've been jiggled on a molecular level.
I've refused to have my mind changed several times. Often, when your schema about life change too drastically, you react emotionally by drinking the Kool Aid (Nietzsche readers). The reasons behind this are interesting. A guy I knew clung to Wittgenstein. I could be that very easily and I don't want to be, as "no longer having something to compare it to" means that you're not thinking and questioning anymore. Doesn't mean I am now.

God, I'm annoyed with boredom, (I'm talking to you Emma Bovary who I don't want to be, even though the media I ingest is so much trashier than yours) yet when I imagine something to a certain point, I get bored or scared of it by counting my chickens before they hatch. Like with relationships, of course. I think, maybe it would be nice to find somebody. In which case we would have to spend too much time with each other, adapt, suffer, get bored, cheat, better not. It won't last, I prefer to pretend. In intimate conversations with an acquaintance, sometimes I end up feeling sorry for them because their lifestyle is different than mine. They're limited. You live on a farm and can't hang out in the city because your parents won't let you? I'm sorry. People like my friend who aren't able to do what they want to do. "But you could try this." "No I can't," and then she proves to me why. I feel sorry for her for various reasons, yet she thinks that my life sucks compared to hers because I'm failing school.