Today I was supposed to go out and look at the snow, stamp fitfully to hear the noise, sad that adults seem not to have the imagination to take advantage of the weather.  Sad that time and seasons mean more to children.  I didn't go out or stamp or sled or be involved in a free four square like activity with some guy trying to avoid picking up the check for dinner.  So he'd rather go down a hill in a trash can top like he did when he was 5.  In the house with my hoarding tendencies and lack of sponges, I worked from home and was distracted by Mad Men.  The dishes in dual low towers in the sink, the border becomes square.  I am boxed in by the reflection of people addressing me as "ma'am" in my quilted Russian eskimo lady coat even if I don't radiate Chanel no 5.  Not entirely sure why I'm doing what I'm doing, the missed wake up and entry times.  The flubbed work times.  And around it the working dullness of having to be somewhere from 8:30.  I take the cloak of the working Joe even if I don't deserve it or fight for it.  I want another vision but don't know which one and know it involves a lack of heat, food, comfort that I like.  In selfies I glower with slits under my eyes, wall like and half closed, indentations that don't occur in anyone under 20.  Checking if I look as sad as I think.  I have the shyness and low self esteem of a 15 year old without a sense of preservation or any strategy to also look like one.  Things seem gray or limited or meaningless if you imagine they are.  The things I'm supposed to do I cling to with the only purpose being a fridge full of kale, a place to put my green pan.  The indignant faith that I'm allowed to be fancy free 5 years later than everyone else.  That I can eat cold cuts from napkins by Angkor Wat.  That I can converse with bright eyed artists in France.  Just because my parents can't push me into it.  I don't feel the way I'm reflected, like a "ma'am" nor like a working stiff.  And I can say for sure that gathering dust prematurely is a low level pain.  Feeling dull is low level frustration.  If I'm not suffering or living hand to mouth.  I am stopping before I try something related to whatever plan I don't have.  And this nothing will suck me in and provide a home if nothing else happens to me.